11 • Self-Forgiveness

When we truly forgive ourselves, we finally feel what our Rainbow Ones have felt for us all along—pure Love without condition.

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Remembering Your Worth Through Grief

My relationship with Ellie is like your relationship with your Rainbow One—one in a gazillion.

No one will ever fully understand, appreciate, or value the depth of the love you share. No one. Except… you.

The journey of pet grief has offered such a profound crossroads in the life of my clients. As we grieveal we come face to face with old misbeliefs, stories we took on early in life about what makes us lovable, safe, or worthy of care. These beliefs shape how we see ourselves, especially our sense of being worthy of having needs and feelings. When someone dismisses our pain or minimizes our grieving, it can hit deep. It hits an unconscious place that doesn’t yet trust and believe just how worthy of love we are. And so it is easier to blame the world or project our pain onto others. But these moments are actually gifts, designed to help us free ourselves from the misbeliefs that we’re not worthy of being seen, loved, heard, or cared for.

Me and my Ellie

Often, it’s not other people who invalidate us most, but ourselves. We downplay the depth of our pain, we dismiss the miracle of our bond, and we don’t take the time to honor, what this relationship, really means to us.

Pet grief, perhaps more than any other kind, invites us into radical self-trust. It shows us where we still question our worth, where we still don’t believe we are completely lovable. It asks:

Can I truly honor how much this love meant to me?

Can I share authentically about my beloved animal, even if no one else gets it?

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What you and your Rainbow One share is nothing short of divine. It’s the kind of love that defies logic and language. It deserves to be celebrated, not hidden. As you grieve, you may notice thoughts like:

No one wants to hear from me.

I shouldn’t ask for time off, I don’t really need it.

I don’t want to make them feel sad.

I don’t deserve to receive this much support.

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Each of these is an echo of an old wound, not your truth. Every time you meet those voices with compassion, you rewire your brain, shifting from lack to Love, from smallness to wholeness, from survival to sovereignty.

As we feel, heal, and reveal these old misbeliefs of unworthiness, and set them free with self-forgiveness we begin to honor and love our Rainbow One. We find ourselves actually prioritizing the time we need to grieveal, to celebrate them, to include them in our lives moving forward. In doing so, we discover the life-changing joy that comes from trusting the hugeness of our bond, and knowing, deep down, that we deserve to keep that love forever.

Why Self-Forgiveness Matters During Grief

When we’re grievealing a beloved animal, it’s easy to think the pain is only about them. And yes, much of it is. But often, what hurts most isn’t just “losing” them, it’s losing the deep sense of lovability they reflected back to us.

Our animals have this extraordinary way of making us feel okay, more than okay, just by being who we are. They remind us that we’re enough. That we’re lovable. So when they’re gone, it can feel like that mirror of unconditional love disappears, and we’re left to face the tender places inside us that still question our worth.

Grief cracks us open. And in that opening, we often meet the old, unhealed beliefs we’ve carried quietly for years:

I’m not enough.

I’m not important.

I need to live for others to be valuable.

I’m not lovable as I am.

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These aren’t truths, they’re misbeliefs. Things you started believing to make sense of what was happening, to survive. Self-forgiveness is how we begin to rewrite those stories with love and compassion.

It’s a New Day

When I studied clinical psychology in university and saw multiple psychologists in my teens and early twenties, I didn’t resonate with their approach at all. Most of what I encountered was cognitive behavioral therapy. And while I deeply respect its intentions, it didn’t help me heal, it helped me manage symptoms. It encouraged me to notice my patterns and behave differently, but it never reached the root of my pain: the misbeliefs running my life.

It wasn’t until I returned to school for my master’s in spiritual psychology at the University of Santa Monica that things truly began to change. I finally learned how to meet the pain inside me with love, to release what was unresolved, and to reconnect with the wholeness that had always been there. Self-forgiveness became the most reliable pathway for that rewiring to take place.

Years later, this approach, grounded in the healing power of self-love and self-compassion, has begun receiving wider validation through the work of experts such as Dr. Gabor Maté, Dr. Brené Brown, Dr. Kristin Neff, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine, and Dr. Stephen Porges.

While diving into their research is beyond the scope of this book (and honestly unnecessary for your healing), it helps to know this: trauma isn’t what happened to us—it’s what happened inside us as a result of what happened. Essentially, it’s the misbeliefs we made true in moments of pain. (See References: Trauma Is What Happens Inside Us—Not What Happens to Us) The empowering part is that releasing the negative impact of our past is in our hands.

We really can release trauma and the old misbeliefs that have been running our lives. Pet grief offers one of the most powerful opportunities to do just that. I believe our beloved animals, and the sacred rite of passage that begins when they leave, come to help us do just that.

Pet Grief Awakens Our Innocence

This cannot be overstated, so I’ll say it again: when we lose a beloved animal, any unhealed parts of us, especially around abandonment, betrayal, unworthiness, or isolation, tend to get reactivated.

Why? Because our animals are pure, innocent, and unconditional, just like our inner child. Their passing can feel like losing innocence itself… or like losing a piece of our innate goodness.

As children, many of us took responsibility for pain that was never ours to carry. We internalized what was happening around us by making it our fault, and in doing so, we formed misbeliefs about ourselves and our worth. The unconscious (and oversimplified) logic goes something like this: If it’s my fault, maybe I can fix it. Maybe then I’ll be loved again.

Those misbeliefs, and the self-blame beneath them, became ways to feel safe and in control. But it was never our fault. Not then, not now. And those same misbeliefs often linger quietly beneath the surface, limiting our lives until we have the courage to face and release them. (More on this in 13 • Guilt and Shame: Letting Go of Fault, and Holding On to Love.)

Even if you had a loving childhood, these patterns can live quietly in your nervous system. We often don’t notice them until grief cracks us open enough to feel them.

What happened to you wasn’t your fault, but the opportunity to heal is now in your hands. Self-forgiveness is how we release those old beliefs and return home to the truth of who we are.

Releasing the Past with Self-Forgiveness

Practices of self-forgiveness are like switching on the light. I don’t understand how electricity works, but over time I have come to trust that when I flick that switch, the light comes on.

We won’t go too deep into how self-forgiveness works, but we’ll explore it just enough before getting to the most important part—using it, so you can have your own experience.

We simply use the following statements, with an open, loving, compassionate energy.

I forgive myself for buying into the misbelief that...

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Let’s break it down:

I forgive myself… doesn’t mean “I was wrong.” It means, “I’m ready to release the judgment.”

…for buying into… reminds us the belief wasn’t truth, it was a belief we bought into to survive, or understand, or make sense of the situation.

…the misbelief that… helps us name the core misbelief that shaped our suffering.

Some examples:

I forgive myself for buying into the misbelief that it’s my fault.

I forgive myself for buying into the misbelief that I should have done more.

I forgive myself for buying into the misbelief that I’ll never be happy again.

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The best advice I can give when using statements of self-forgiveness is this: don’t think, just start saying the sentence and let whatever comes next come out. Like improv. Don’t overanalyze it; simply notice what pops into your consciousness. This is one powerful way, especially when we’re already feeling the intense emotions of grief, to access and release the misbeliefs held in the unconscious. When we share without thinking, we bypass the mind and open the door to release deep, old patterns and misbeliefs that have been stored within us.

Self-Forgiveness is the Action of Our Huge Heart

This is where your Huge Heart comes in. You’ve heard me say this again and again: this work isn’t about thinking differently, it’s about feeling and loving differently. That’s why we do somatic grief work first. That’s why we let our emotions move through the body. Because only then are we softened enough to welcome those deep, old misbeliefs into our consciousness, so they can finally be forgiven and freed.

Self-forgiveness isn’t a cognitive event. It’s a compassionate shift in energy. It often carries the same kind of energy we offer when someone we love loses a family member. Imagine a friend tells you their grandmother has passed. You might instinctively say, “I’m so sorry.” Those words don’t mean you’re taking responsibility or blame, you’re not saying, It’s my fault your grandmother died. What you’re really saying is, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I feel your pain. I care.

That’s the heart of self-forgiveness: it’s not your fault, and I want you to be free.

“I’m so sorry” is an expression of our oneness, our compassion. It’s the natural response of the Huge Heart meeting suffering with Love. In the same way, self-forgiveness is like saying I’m so sorry to yourself. It’s not an admission of guilt or fault, it’s an act of care. Acknowledging your own pain and offering yourself the tenderness you so easily give to others.

When we allow ourselves this radical experience of self-compassion and self-forgiveness, we begin to release the old patterns of unworthiness, smallness, and isolation, returning, at last, to the truth of who we are.

Ho’oponopono: A Sacred Prayer of Healing

Another beautiful tool for self-forgiveness that I often use, and want to honor here, is Ho’oponopono. Ho‘oponopono is a traditional Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. It has been used for generations by Native Hawaiians as a way to restore balance and harmony within families, communities, and one’s relationship with Spirit. The version I share here is a simplified, modern adaptation that has become more widely used around the world. I offer it with deep respect and gratitude to the Hawaiian people, whose wisdom and connection to Spirit continue to inspire and heal. This traditional Hawaiian practice offers a four-part mantra:

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This prayer is often used to restore harmony and heal relationships, especially the one we have with ourselves. You don’t need to understand it intellectually; just try saying it from your heart. You can say it to your Rainbow One, your inner child, your body, the part of you that’s hurting, the world, truly, to anything at all.

Using Ho’oponopono for the Pain I Couldn’t Understand

There were moments while grievealing Ellie when I felt so deeply helpless and heartbroken. Ho’oponopono became my practice for the times I felt most hopeless and the pain was unbearable. I’d close my eyes, open my heart, and softly say:

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I’d let those words flow out like a gentle prayer.

I’d breathe. I’d feel. I’d give my grief space to move.

And then, when it felt right, I’d say:

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In those moments, I could feel Ellie letting me know she never held anything against me. I could feel her love, and her wish for me to be free, to stop holding myself guilty for things I couldn’t control.

It can be subtle sometimes, and dramatic and mood-altering other times. I use Ho’oponopono when the waves of grief rise up, when the memories come, when I miss her so much it aches.

Remember you don’t have to understand how this works for it to work. You don’t have to believe or disbelieve. Just try it. Let this be an experiment in loving yourself more deeply than you ever have before. Get out of your head and into your body. Let go of what’s “supposed” to happen. And simply show up. As you are. Right now. The rest will unfold.