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Losing a loved one can feel like losing everything. It can feel like the sun has left the sky. Like the one thing that made life make sense—the love, the connection, the light—is suddenly gone, and we are left in the dark.
I remember sitting on the floor after Ellie passed, just holding her toys and sobbing. I felt hopeless. Lost. Alone.
And I wasn’t just missing her—I was missing us. I was missing the me that existed because of her. Missing the way I felt when she looked at me. The way I came alive when I was with her. The magic in my heart because of the moments that we only we shared. The parts of me that only seemed to exist because she saw them.
We were attached. And as we’ve discussed, it’s unbearable to confront that attachment, and to do what’s necessary to let go of being attached to their physical body, so we can reattach to their love in our hearts.
It’s the beauty, and the inevitable unbearable torture of attachment.
When someone becomes deeply woven into our sense of love and safety, it can feel like a part of us lives in them. As Dr. Gabor Maté shares, we’re wired for connection—it’s how we feel safe, loved, and like we belong.
So when we lose someone we’re deeply bonded with—especially a soul-mate animal—it can feel like the very source of our love and light has been taken from us. That’s the heartbreak of grief. It’s why the world can suddenly feel dim and colorless.
But here’s what I want to gently begin exploring with you in this chapter:
What if what you loved most about them… was actually what they awakened in YOU?
What if the qualities you saw in them—their loyalty, their presence, their gentleness, their playfulness—weren’t just theirs? What if you were only able to see and love those traits so deeply because they were already alive in you?
And what if the more we do this, the more we can claim and experience the best in them IS the best in us, the easier it becomes to connect with them too.
This is the heart of what I call Positive Projection. And no, it’s not about pretending everything’s okay or sugarcoating your grief. It’s about recognizing the truth that every soul we love reflects something back to us.
I don’t guide clients into this experience UNTIL they’ve in some way allowed an authentic experience of their heart break. But this experience parallels and complements the deeper emotional work very well, and helps us as we endeavor to reconnect with them as fully as we can.
Grief often makes us feel like everything beautiful died with them. But the truth is—what you saw in them was real, and it lives on inside you.
And as you learn to see this, feel this, experience this, something beautiful happens:
You begin to reconnect with the love you thought you lost.
You begin to realize that they were never the source—Love itself was the source. And they were your perfect, magical mirror for it.
Let’s slow this down for a second. Think about your Rainbow One—the pet or loved one you’re grieving. What did you love most about them?
Was it how they greeted you at the door like you were the most important person in the world?
Was it how they curled up next to you, sensing your sadness even before you knew it yourself?
Was it their goofy grin? Their wild zoomies? Their ability to make you laugh when everything else felt hard?
Take a moment. Really reflect.
And then gently ask yourself: What did that quality bring out in me?
When they were playful, did it help you loosen up?
When they were brave, did you feel stronger just by being around them?
When they adored you unconditionally, did you finally feel worthy? Safe? Enough?
You see, this is the profound gift of animals. They don’t just love us. They mirror us. They call forth the parts of us that may have been buried under trauma, conditioning, or self-doubt. They help us remember who we are.
And even after they’ve passed… that doesn’t stop.
When my mum died, I lost my sense of being loved, seen, and safe. I didn't have the tools to grieve her consciously, so instead, I disconnected—from my feelings, from my needs, from my truth. And to survive, I turned to anything that helped me not feel. Food, fantasy, toxic relationships. Anything to fill the gap.
I couldn’t see it then, but I had made her the source of my worth. The source of my peace. The source of my light.
And when she died, I believed—deep down—that those things died too.
It wasn’t until decades later, when I began truly grieving her with love, that I saw it clearly:
She wasn’t the source.
She was the mirror.
The real source of love… was always within me.
And so is yours.
So here’s the invitation in this chapter: Let’s begin to look at what you most loved about them—not just as a memory, but as a mirror. A mirror that reflected back to you the truth of who you are. The parts of you that are still here. That are still alive. That are you.
In the next section, I’ll walk you through a process to help you uncover the specific qualities you saw in your Rainbow One… and begin to reclaim them as your own.
Because that’s the deeper truth of their love:
They didn’t just come to love you.
They came to help you love yourself.
One of the biggest shifts I experienced with Ellie came from something I found incredibly hard at first: her growling.
Because of her complex and quickly declining neurological condition, Ellie would growl when she felt overwhelmed—which became more and more frequent in her final weeks. And I’ll be honest, I didn’t know how to handle it. I had been raised on traditional dog training ideas that said a growl was a problem, something to correct or fix. I thought it was my job to teach her how to behave “better.”
But thankfully, the universe brought me to someone who changed everything.
I reached out to Carol Neil, the founder of Soul2Soul Dogs and a trainer and behavior consultant who introduced me to force-free methods and a completely different view of what “behavior” even is. She helped me understand that Ellie’s growls weren’t bad. They weren’t disobedience or defiance.
They were communication.
Ellie was telling me, in the only way she could: “I’m overwhelmed. I need space. I need you to pause. I can’t do what you’re asking right now.”
And that cracked me open.
It softened me.
It invited me into a whole new way of relating to her.
Inspired by Carol, I ended up enrolling in a course with BHARCS, an international canine behavior school based in India, founded by the incredible Sindhoor Pangal, author of Dog Knows.
That course changed how I saw everything.
I stopped seeing Ellie as a dog who needed to be shaped into what I wanted her to be, and instead saw her as a whole, wise being who already knew what she needed.
My job wasn’t to “train” her.
My job was to listen.
To trust her.
To love her enough to respect her boundaries and her needs.
And the moment I started seeing her that way—everything changed.
I began following her lead.
If she growled, I gave her space.
If she paused, I paused with her.
If she looked unsure, I didn’t push—I supported.
And what unfolded between us was one of the most beautiful, sacred experiences of my life.
In just two months, we became a seamless team.
It was like we had this invisible language, an energetic communication. I could feel when she wanted to shift direction, when she needed a break, when she was done trying. It was like my body just knew how to support hers.
And not because I trained her.
But because I trusted her.
I stopped living in the old belief that dogs need to obey us. And started living from the truth that when we offer love and safety—just like with people—what we get in return is so much deeper than obedience.
We get trust.
We get harmony.
We get a relationship that is sacred.
Ellie taught me that dogs, like humans, don’t have “bad behavior.” They have unmet needs. They have coping mechanisms. They have big feelings that haven’t been met with understanding.
And once I started truly seeing her, she gave me everything.
Not because I demanded it—but because she felt safe to offer it.
What I realized through all of this was that Ellie wasn’t just helping me relate to her—she was helping me relate to me.
She was showing me how often I silenced my own growls.
How often I ignored my own overwhelm.
How often I prioritized being “nice” or “pleasing” over being real.
Ellie helped me start to trust my own boundaries. To listen to my body. To speak the truth even when it’s not easy for others to hear. She helped me stop shrinking and start living from my center—loud, honest, raw, real.
If I had to name three qualities Ellie lived and breathed, they’d be:
Courage. Tenacity. Audacity.
And the thing is… I needed those qualities more than anything.
Ellie came into my life to help me reclaim them.
To help me become them.
I truly believe Ellie came into my life to change its entire trajectory.
She didn’t just help me be a better human, or a better dog mom—she lit a fire in me that I didn’t know I needed.
She sparked a new path that I’m just beginning to explore—one that includes animal advocacy, vegan awareness, and being a stronger voice for the voiceless.
And even though she’s no longer here in her body, she is absolutely still with me.
Ellie is my Rainbow Daughter.
And she didn’t just reflect qualities I admired.
She reflected who I really am.
Great Job! That’s Week 8 Reading Complete 🏆 🎉 😁 🙌
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