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If you’re anything like me, when your Rainbow One passed, somewhere deep inside you wondered:
Was it my fault?
Even when you know logically that it wasn’t, there’s still this ache, this heaviness in the chest, this loop of what if thoughts that can spiral through your mind at 2 a.m.
I want to say this clearly right up front:
Guilt after loss is not just common—it’s practically universal. Especially for those of us who are highly sensitive, deeply compassionate, and profoundly loving.
We don’t feel guilt because we did something wrong.
We feel guilt because we care that much.
I was in my 30s before I realized I had been quietly carrying guilt about my Mum’s death. She passed when I was 14, after a long, painful journey with ovarian cancer. I had nothing to do with her dying—of course. And yet... a part of me still felt responsible. Still wondered if I could have done something more. If I should’ve been more loving. If I could’ve been enough to make her stay.
That’s the tricky thing about guilt.
It doesn’t respond to reason.
It grows in the shadows of our hearts, often without us even realizing it’s there.
And it’s especially true for those of us who love big. When we love with our whole hearts, we unconsciously take responsibility for our loved one’s happiness, health, and even survival.
We know it’s irrational.
But it still hurts.
Sensitive, empathic, deeply loving humans tend to carry more guilt than others. Not because we’ve done more wrong—but because our hearts are just wired for connection.
We love so deeply that we often blur the boundaries between where we end and another begins. We absorb their pain. We internalize their struggle. And when something goes wrong, our first instinct is to look inward and wonder: What could I have done differently?
This is especially true when it comes to pet grief.
We’re their caregiver, their voice, their everything. So when they pass, even if we did absolutely everything we could, some part of us still feels like we failed.
I still feel guilty for not adopting Ellie.
I tell myself I should have made it work. That I should have found a way to make her okay.
And even though her neurological condition was confirmed—painful, incurable, and terrifying—I still sometimes believe that her death is my fault, not her brain disease.
That’s the pain of guilt.
It doesn’t care about facts.
It’s born of love… and confusion.
One of the biggest shifts in my healing came when I realized:
Fault is irrelevant to healing.
It doesn’t matter whose “fault” something was.
Operating in the realm of fault is a dead end. It keeps us locked in pain, in blame, in punishment—whether toward others or ourselves.
Spiritually, I believe that life isn’t about fault.
It’s about responsibility.
And responsibility is very different from blame.
We can take full responsibility for our lives, our healing, and even the impact of our actions—without making ourselves wrong or bad.
Brené Brown’s research backs this up. She’s found that blame and fault-finding are actually inversely related to accountability. The more we focus on whose fault it is, the less likely we are to take true responsibility for healing and moving forward.
And yet—fault-finding is seductive.
Why?
Because it gives us the illusion of control.
If we can figure out what caused this pain, maybe we can stop it from ever happening again.
But that’s not how life works.
People die.
Things break.
Shit happens.
And no amount of analysis or self-punishment will save us from the pain of being human.
But being obsessed with finding fault will create a kind of suffering that holds us back from being free and feeling lovable. It traps us in loops of shame, and keeps our hearts clenched when what we most need is softness.
As painful as it is, guilt can also be a profound invitation.
It asks us to come home to our hearts.
To practice compassion—maybe for the first time.
To forgive ourselves, not because we’ve done something wrong, but because we’ve done our best in a heartbreaking situation.
Kristin Neff’s groundbreaking work on self-compassion is clear:
We do not grow best through criticism.
We grow best through softness, safety, and kindness.
In fact, the self-esteem movement of the 80s—where everyone was told to just believe in themselves—led to a rise in perfectionism, narcissism, and bullying. Why? Because it was about comparing and performing, not compassion.
Real transformation doesn’t come from punishing ourselves into being better.
It comes from loving ourselves into becoming whole.
If you’ve lived through small “t” trauma—moments of emotional abandonment, rejection, or neglect—or bigger, more obvious traumas, then grief might not be your breaking point.
It might be your way out.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, trauma researcher and author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma gets stored in our body and nervous system—not just in our minds. When we experience trauma, especially as children, our brains often form survival beliefs that aren’t true. Beliefs like:
And because we often don’t remember trauma in a clear, story-based way, these beliefs just become part of the wallpaper of our lives. Unconscious, but powerfully present.
But here’s the wild, beautiful thing:
Grief—especially grief that cracks us wide open—can become the doorway into healing those old, hidden wounds.
Because grief doesn’t just break your heart.
It breaks open the protective armor you’ve been holding onto for years.
And suddenly, when you're falling apart, the old lies rise up too—so they can finally be seen and released.
Dr. Gabor Maté, one of the most compassionate voices in trauma and addiction healing, teaches that guilt often comes from childhood experiences where we had to prioritize others’ needs over our own just to survive.
And that especially sensitive, empathic kids tend to internalize responsibility for things that were never theirs to carry.
Great Job! That’s Week 13 Reading Complete 🏆 🎉 😁 🙌
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